We’ve never been a compatible couple. You with your mood swings. Me with my grass is always greener…
But lately, you have become unbearable.
Your behavior is unpredictable, unreliable, and honestly, at times, downright oppressive –vacillating between a beast, whose roar rattles, and a fleecy embrace.
Our origin story began with a promise of warmer days and a bright future. I thought we’d blossom together. Thought you’d be my shining knight, not my god of war.
Your toxic friendship with the Irish prankster, the one who chases rainbows and insists on wearing green, was an early clue that something was off. You’d return home after a night of debauchery, and I’d be left to endure your wrath, your icy words and whipping accusations.
It is time.
I am breaking up with you.
No more chamber of gloom.
No more somber love songs.
You’ve stolen my time and now I’m claiming it back.
I’ve boxed up all your belongings–the tailored suits, the cashmere coat, your wellies–and placed them at the curb.
Good luck.
I’m moving on.
Thanks to Nerds Beget Nerds and Ms. Chiubooka Writes for the inspiration.
The Way I See It 
Omg Amy, this is brilliant! So so true! The paragraph about “the toxic friendship with the Irish prankster” had me guffawing… my family is wondering what the heck? I’m like, just helping a friend with her break up. I so needed this today.
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This is a brilliant piece of writing. I am not sure if you kicked a lover/friend/husband to the curb or if you broke up with Jameson or some other adult beverage. With way, I wish you a speedy and happy recovery!
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Hi Amy, this is fantastic! The Irish prankster, icy words, whipping accusations. This is rich with good reasons for a good riddance. “Thought you’d be my shining knight, not my god of war” sounds like a great break up line (as opposed to pick up lines, ha!).
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